I just installed MS 2013 on my laptop and I thought, I have not written in years, what the heck, scribble n edit later, if ever.
I have seen a goon number of pieces about Goldie in various media. I was shocked by her passing. More shocked than I expected. Those who know me say I am “unemotional” I think I really just have disciplined control over my thoughts and actions and expressions. However, for the first time in years, I was lost. Lost because didn’t know what to do or think or even how to feel.
I hardly cry, I dispel any emotion that comes close and I suck it up. The last time I cried was shortly after meeting my father who left all 4 kids with my mother for about twenty years, when I finally saw him when I was 3 years old, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t angry, I was curious, I had one question: Why? I wasn’t sure what specific question I was asking or even what response I expected. Honestly I didn’t even have the courage to ask out loud.
I realize now after knowing my father for 10 of my 30 years. My mother made a wrong choice. Poor woman, she was captivated by this charming extremely intelligent, condescending Surgeon. I respect him as a Doctor, not much as a man, or a father. (I NEVER respect a woman/man beater)
That was the last time I was emotionally lost, until now. Goldie cant be dead. She still has a long time to grow old. Jessica’s brother Jojo, pinged me. I was on a date with Sophie. It was a beautiful evening. I had met a girl who didn’t make me feel like I was having to settle. It was a beautiful evening, it was, until Jojo pinged,
I said it wasn’t true. Simple. Goldie is fine. I met her for the firt time about 4 years ago at Howie T’s former office where we reocord the MTN Yello Top 10 countdown. We talked, I never get caught in the hype. Im trained to observe and speak with the real person. I didn’t need to try hard. She was real. Did I like her at first, I didn’t think of that, but I respected he, if anything I was a bit concerned for her, she clearly was passionate and thus emotional. People who didn’t understand her would consider her a misfit for not playing out stupid pretentious naija entertainment game of being fake. Yep, she was real and down to earth.
I didn’t think she could sing so well, but I respectedher passion. What would fuel her talent was her passion. Same thing I was told years ago at cool fm that I sucked on radio, lol, well look at me today, who’s laughing now. Ashionye didn’t criticize thou, she responded well when I asked what I needed to do better. This attitude, Goldie had it, aalways asking what she needs to do from people she felt had evidently exceled in the capacity the desired.
I have kept all this bottled up, I hope this gives me closure.
Maybe, maybe not.
Darn, the laptop went off, forgot to put the gen on, nepa plc, or whatever the name is, I never got to wrap my head around that.
Goldie told me her name was filani, hmm, shes from the same ekiti state as I am, while she was saying her good bye to uncle Howie, I called my mom in the UK, and asked about the filani’s who were our cousins.
Hmm, small world, I smiled, we were cousins. Still I told no one of this, eh, whats the point, but I thot, I will do what I can as always
Lighting another man’s candle doesn’t make yours dimmer, instead, you all light up the room,
Have you seen the view when everyone lights up each others candles? Ohhh, . . . glorious, beautiful is not adequate a word. Celestial is more apt.
I am not sure if these words radiated through the people as the candles were lit in goldies honour.
I will skip a lot of our interactions, there was so much that happened between myself and Goldie, none of it inappropriate thou. I helped her find who she called a very effective assistant, precious ubah and if course I called precious. I skipped the pleasantries and went straight for the question on my mind, I do that sometimes, I asked, “where is Goldie?” she didn’t know, what the . . .? “What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked, more out of desperate hope for good news than impatience. Precious was always calm. I liked that, good balance to my impatience, but that didn’t matter now. I had to know.
Darn, I totally forgot Sophie was here, she was calm as she watched me go through a wide range of mental states ranging from shock, oblivion and disbelief to confusion and sadness.
Sadness, an emotion that can never be fully understood,
I was sad, Goldie might be dead, slowly the social media buzz was getting to me. Damn you Jojo, I know you meant well, but I wish you waited about 100 years more to give me such news. And in the middle of the night again, then I noticed hundreds of unread messages on my blackberry phone, I remember Goldie’s comment on my almost 2000 blackberry messenger contacts. She was curious as to how one manages all that. I remember many of our conversations, I was always curious to see her reaction and particularly her immediate expression to various news, from her song getting support to the public calling her a “house girl of BBA”. She was never good at pretending. She would react and then damn the consequences. Lucky to people around her that she had a good heart. I would never see her expresseion to the news of her sudden death. And fuck everyone who says she lived like she knew she was going to die. Yes I am angry, not at you really, but at what is going on . . . Goldie lived!
Goldie didn’t plan to die anytime soon, heck we were still planning her track listing and I was still guiding Zubi to the CD sleeve design.
“do you mind if we stop by at Goldies place on my way to drop you off at home?”
I don’t remember Sophie’s response, I may have blanked out a few times on my way to the plush Park View Estate. I still don’t remember my conversation with he only other occupant besides me and my thoughts during the drive to Ikoyi. I cant even remember which route I took. I had a driver, but I wanted to drive myself, I wanted to be alone.
I remember a few guys pulling over to the front gate of 30a as I was chatting with the security guy about what Goldie’s brother, Joshua had said before leaving him confused between starting my car with her battery after leaving my head lights on for too long and guiding a few ladies to the hospital.
I wanted to be alone, but I have never been more grateful to have someone else around. Sophie was a big help.
I stood in the shadows in front of the hospital, said a calm “hello” to a few fans, I didn’t bother to force a smile as I usually would, I didn’t care about anything at the moment. Should I go in and see for myself?
Maybe I am better off assuming its all a joke and I should just, drop off this charming young lady, go home, sleep and wait for the dust to settle. Who am I kidding, sleep has eluded me for less. I studied the atmosphere infornt of the hospital, said hello to (cant recall her name) the lady who was following my car from Goldie’s house to thehospital.
Did Goldie touch everyone’s life this much? Or was it or the attention? Soooo many people at the airport. And then I realized what Goldie said a few weeks earlier about Toke Makinwa, “I think Toke doesn’t like me” she had told me while I fixed her computer sound interphase. I was always amused by ladies who knew nothing about gadgets and more than impressed by ladies who did. She knew exactly what I was doing. But she let me feed my ego by listening to me explain..lol. that is Goldie, Goldie knew how to “handle” men. She wanted to reach out to Toke. I asked how she would do this. “maybe I should just send her a gift pack with cds calendars and branded items . . .” I didn’t let her “Why not call her on the phone and say hello, and say you would like to be her friend, people are taken aback by your honesty and hey, shes probably nice” I didn’t know if Toke was nice or not, I just thought she was hot. I am a guy, that’s how we think.
The Cab guys at a park close to the hospital jolted me back to reality. “Oga, good evening”. “yeah, well done o” my automated response to greetings when caught unawares.
I was not aware of anything else but y deep sense of loss. It dawned on me, “the girl don die, o”
I remember exactly how and what I felt, I feel it again even as I type on this stupid laptop.
You are probably reading this in a few seconds but I am typing slowly. I am home alone, I am afraid again. An overwhelming sense of despair, I cannot be angry at God, I know about God’s sovereignty from my bible too much for that, but I am close. I am close to what I do not understand as FATE.
I still feel a deep sense of loss. i still have her last status message saved on my phone.
i don’t know why I am taken aback this much by Bimpe’s death. I have lost close friends and loved ones in the past. But never like this. Was it the suddenness?
I wonder when people will forget her completely. I’m not sure if I will. Now she is dead, she is called one of the “finest “ pop artiste. We all dissed her either at our living rooms watching BA or in offices of while having drinks with the crew. I amguilty of this as well. And if anything, I am appalled at my hypocrisy of missing and loving her after she is no more, ironically, Baba Dee told me, “be generous with words wen you are pleased with someone, after all, you are generous with words wen you are angry.” Darn , my “H” seems stuck on this laptop.
I miss Goldie still, she always prepared a good meal for us whenever we visited, as she did a good no of other people.
I don’t know all the lessons that God wil teach me from this experience, but one of the philosophies I have learnt besides being consciously happy everyday, no matter ya situation is that as young people, we cannot let the hypocrisy about our hypocrisy remain the corruption in daily happiness.
I cant bear to read through or edit this, do I feel better? I dunno. (Yet?)
I should never lie to other people
I can never lie to God
I must never lie to myself
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